So, when is it okay to watch Porn on your car DVD player?

I mean, are those players programmed to only accept Disney fare? The laser-eye scanning for the proper encryption code that says “naughty” or “nice”.

What circumstances do you so badly need to watch porn in your car anyway? From the backseat even.

Are you one of those swinging couples that have merry-dear-Penthouse-I-never-thought-this-would-happen-to-me type of entertainment? And say maybe your tag-team duo is in the back, warming up. Would that be a case?

Or are you feeling particularly amorous and you let your partner slither in the back, to get a head start while you adjust the rear-view mirror just right for the show?

Or maybe you’re alone and you got one of those portable units that slip over the headrest? You casually put it in the empty passenger seat. Just a little thought. A titillation that makes you giggle and blush. Exposed and protected by metal, paint, and oh-so much leg-room. You are riding high in your SUV. Why not whip it out or slide down , hand inside, in the double-sewn leather and grind one off?

Safety concerns of a distracted driver aside, what if someone saw? Not the act itself. But what if they could see the screen? What if they innocently slowed behind you at the traffic light and slowly realized that what at first just seemed like a steady ebbing of flesh-colored pixels was really digital-quality fucking? Is that a public display? And do you, the victim in all this who came to a halt, fidgeting with the Sirius, pick up your cell phone and report the tag number? Or do you follow them? Trailing to the next light. The right turn and then another. Do you need to see where such a freak lives? What your community neighbors are doing on their way back from Pilates, dinner at Café Amici, or a late night at the office?

And so these are things I pondered tonight. On my way home from the gym, high on endorphins and bored by the rain. Line of cars ahead of me with their “Proud Parent “ and “Ask me about my honors student” bumper stickers posing as EZ-Passes for the Happy-Average-Normal Turnpike. Cruising the NorthSouth corridor with their innocuous Wiggles, Veggie Tales, and Toy Story giving you a 30second drive-in-Saturday peek show that reconfirms that is, indeed, what they are, thank you very much.

Is watching porn in your car a serious cry for something more? Or is it just another way to get your circus-freak-on?

Technology can put them in your dashboard, right next to your Tom-Tom and Garmin. Toss one off and you can still make it on time. You can’t tell me that someone isn’t doing just that right now. Think about that next time you pile into super-multi-tasking Mom’s mini. And then check the 31compartments for the Ritalin that her kids ain’t taking and the unlabeled, black DVD cases.